Divorce is so painful. What can I do to minimise the pain?

Hey Superstar. Welcome back.😍😍

Anyone who has gone through the process of divorce will tell you that it’s the most painful experience ever. People usually ask me, “Nosi, how did you get rid of the pain?” The bad news is; you cannot get rid of the pain. You have lost or are losing something valuable i.e. family, dreams, aspirations, future as you planned it. It has to be painful. 

The good news is; it will not last forever. The pain will eventually go away and you (and your children) will be whole again. I equated my divorce with a heart transplant. Heart operation that is performed to bring about permanent healing after some time of pain due to heart problems. It’s not an easy process but it brings healing.

Divorce was a necessary step to bring healing after many years of enduring all forms of mistreatment. Another good news is that; there are various steps you can take in order to manage the process and the pain. The following are some of the ways I used and found to be effective:

1. Normalising feelings. Whether you are the one who filed for divorce or your spouse did, you may experience shock (especially if you’re the the rejected spouse), anger towards self, others and God, sadness, guilt and self-blame, shame and disappointment. All those emotions are normal when dealing with divorce as it is a form of grief. Acknowledge and name them. Normalising these feelings helped me realise that they were not unique to me but normal feelings that are experienced by all those in similar situations.

2. Social support. While you may feel all alone, if you look closely around your environment, you may realise that there’s more support than you realise. Reach out and tap into that support. You may get support from family, friends, colleagues, religious leader, mentor etc. This kind of support is usually free and available almost all the time. The disadvantage is that most may not be trained in helping in such situations, which may mean that their help may be ineffective at times. During my divorce, I rekindled old friendships that I lost due to toxicity in my marriage. I got support from friends and family members who believed in me. 

3. Therapy. It is a formal and structured support offered by a professional either psychologist, social worker, lay counsellor etc. It may be free or paid for. The therapist is trained to facilitate healing and resilience from various life events for individuals or groups. In group therapy, members who have faced similar life events come together and share their pain in a structured manner that brings about healing, with the help of a trained facilitator. I saw a therapist and that helped in reducing suicide thoughts that I battled with. 

4. Exercise. My therapist recommended exercise. Movement is important because not only does it make you feel alive, it is loaded with many benefits that scientists have researched and proven. Experts in personal development such as Robin Sharma, Peter Sage and many more note that exercise produces happy and creative hormones on the brain. That improves mood and reduces stress hormone, known as cortisol. Exercise improves sleep, controls weight, boost confidence, helps with brain activity and memory. It doesn’t have to take place in a gym. You can join Bootcamps that can also be free in your community.

I started jogging in my neighbourhood because even though I had gym membership, finances were a challenge. That meant I struggled to purchase fuel to drive to the gym. Other free ways may include dancing with family and friends. See? Killing 2 birds with one stone, i.e.physical exercise and fitness and having fun.

5. Prayer and meditation. Please note that prayer and meditation don’t  always have to go together. Some people meditate and not necessarily pray. Some pray and not necessarily meditate. Both bring a sense of stillness. You become focused on the present. That helps with eliminating symptoms of anxiety and depression. Gratitude increases because you get to realise that it’s a gift to be alive, have shelter over your head and go to bed having eaten something. I got to look around me and saw that I had friends, family, my income, my life and everything else that I could touch. Most importantly, I realised that I had my peace and freedom to choose how I wanted to live my life moving forward. Prayer and meditation have been noted to increase happiness, peace of mind and emotional intelligence. They are said to bring about hope and less chance of engaging in self-destructive behaviours such as drugs and alcohol abuse. All of the above are what any divorced or divorcing person longs for. Go for it, try prayer and meditation.

6. Healthy eating. This may not mean that you take a radical transformation on your diet. You may start with an apple a day, as Jim Rohn would say. You may start with a healthy breakfast in the morning and slowly incorporate the other meals of the day. Healthy eating helps in controlling weight, boosting energy and vitality, decreasing fatigue, improving body image and self-esteem. There’s also ongoing research on different food groups in managing symptoms of anxiety and depression. 

7. Reading. Nutrition for the mind is what you choose to feed your mind on daily basis. It can reduce stress or increase stress, depending on what you consume. People who wake up and read positive or inspirational material are more likely to be happier and productive than people who wake up and watch or read news. If you watch or read news, I am sure you know that there are more negative news than positive. That decreases chances of being happy. Reading inspirational books on the other hand, provides you with many benefits such as improved vocabulary and comprehension, preventing cognitive decline, improving brain function and memory and fighting depressive symptoms. 

That’s it folks. Those are some of coping skills and may help in managing the pain. If you have more skills that helped you or any other person you know, please share in the comments section. 

Remember: it’s not divorce that will determine your future. It’s how you choose to deal with it. All the best✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿

With lots of love

Nosi💚💚💚💚