Divorce is so painful. What can I do to minimise the pain?

Hey Superstar. Welcome back.😍😍

Anyone who has gone through the process of divorce will tell you that it’s the most painful experience ever. People usually ask me, “Nosi, how did you get rid of the pain?” The bad news is; you cannot get rid of the pain. You have lost or are losing something valuable i.e. family, dreams, aspirations, future as you planned it. It has to be painful. 

The good news is; it will not last forever. The pain will eventually go away and you (and your children) will be whole again. I equated my divorce with a heart transplant. Heart operation that is performed to bring about permanent healing after some time of pain due to heart problems. It’s not an easy process but it brings healing.

Divorce was a necessary step to bring healing after many years of enduring all forms of mistreatment. Another good news is that; there are various steps you can take in order to manage the process and the pain. The following are some of the ways I used and found to be effective:

1. Normalising feelings. Whether you are the one who filed for divorce or your spouse did, you may experience shock (especially if you’re the the rejected spouse), anger towards self, others and God, sadness, guilt and self-blame, shame and disappointment. All those emotions are normal when dealing with divorce as it is a form of grief. Acknowledge and name them. Normalising these feelings helped me realise that they were not unique to me but normal feelings that are experienced by all those in similar situations.

2. Social support. While you may feel all alone, if you look closely around your environment, you may realise that there’s more support than you realise. Reach out and tap into that support. You may get support from family, friends, colleagues, religious leader, mentor etc. This kind of support is usually free and available almost all the time. The disadvantage is that most may not be trained in helping in such situations, which may mean that their help may be ineffective at times. During my divorce, I rekindled old friendships that I lost due to toxicity in my marriage. I got support from friends and family members who believed in me. 

3. Therapy. It is a formal and structured support offered by a professional either psychologist, social worker, lay counsellor etc. It may be free or paid for. The therapist is trained to facilitate healing and resilience from various life events for individuals or groups. In group therapy, members who have faced similar life events come together and share their pain in a structured manner that brings about healing, with the help of a trained facilitator. I saw a therapist and that helped in reducing suicide thoughts that I battled with. 

4. Exercise. My therapist recommended exercise. Movement is important because not only does it make you feel alive, it is loaded with many benefits that scientists have researched and proven. Experts in personal development such as Robin Sharma, Peter Sage and many more note that exercise produces happy and creative hormones on the brain. That improves mood and reduces stress hormone, known as cortisol. Exercise improves sleep, controls weight, boost confidence, helps with brain activity and memory. It doesn’t have to take place in a gym. You can join Bootcamps that can also be free in your community.

I started jogging in my neighbourhood because even though I had gym membership, finances were a challenge. That meant I struggled to purchase fuel to drive to the gym. Other free ways may include dancing with family and friends. See? Killing 2 birds with one stone, i.e.physical exercise and fitness and having fun.

5. Prayer and meditation. Please note that prayer and meditation don’t  always have to go together. Some people meditate and not necessarily pray. Some pray and not necessarily meditate. Both bring a sense of stillness. You become focused on the present. That helps with eliminating symptoms of anxiety and depression. Gratitude increases because you get to realise that it’s a gift to be alive, have shelter over your head and go to bed having eaten something. I got to look around me and saw that I had friends, family, my income, my life and everything else that I could touch. Most importantly, I realised that I had my peace and freedom to choose how I wanted to live my life moving forward. Prayer and meditation have been noted to increase happiness, peace of mind and emotional intelligence. They are said to bring about hope and less chance of engaging in self-destructive behaviours such as drugs and alcohol abuse. All of the above are what any divorced or divorcing person longs for. Go for it, try prayer and meditation.

6. Healthy eating. This may not mean that you take a radical transformation on your diet. You may start with an apple a day, as Jim Rohn would say. You may start with a healthy breakfast in the morning and slowly incorporate the other meals of the day. Healthy eating helps in controlling weight, boosting energy and vitality, decreasing fatigue, improving body image and self-esteem. There’s also ongoing research on different food groups in managing symptoms of anxiety and depression. 

7. Reading. Nutrition for the mind is what you choose to feed your mind on daily basis. It can reduce stress or increase stress, depending on what you consume. People who wake up and read positive or inspirational material are more likely to be happier and productive than people who wake up and watch or read news. If you watch or read news, I am sure you know that there are more negative news than positive. That decreases chances of being happy. Reading inspirational books on the other hand, provides you with many benefits such as improved vocabulary and comprehension, preventing cognitive decline, improving brain function and memory and fighting depressive symptoms. 

That’s it folks. Those are some of coping skills and may help in managing the pain. If you have more skills that helped you or any other person you know, please share in the comments section. 

Remember: it’s not divorce that will determine your future. It’s how you choose to deal with it. All the best✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿

With lots of love

Nosi💚💚💚💚

Who is Nosi and why the interest in divorce?

The Phases of Grief During The Divorce Process

The purpose of the Happily Divorced Channel

Grieving the Death of the Living: Coming to Terms With a Break Up or Divorce

 Grieving the Death of the Living

Mourning an Abuser Who is Still Alive

Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine 

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

It would seem that letting go of a relationship with someone who used, abused and objectified you, whether parent, friend, sibling, partner or spouse, would be a huge relief-a monumental weight off your shoulders. From a logical standpoint, freedom from years of control and oppression should feel good-and it may for a short period of time.

Whether your abuser leaves you or you leave your abuser, whether you choose measured contact or no contact at all, there will come a time when the relief you initially feel disappears and is replaced by a range of disturbing emotions.

Ending a relationship with someone with whom you were emotionally invested is always painful. But realizing that the relationship you thought you had never existed and that you meant nothing at all to the person you trusted and loved is completely devastating.

While coming to terms with what happened to you, you may experience periods of unexplainable loneliness, emotional wavering and deep depression that lasts days, weeks or months. You may experience bouts of sadness, denial, and anger, in no particular order. This is all part of the grieving process.

Though your abuser may still be alive, the idealized relationship you hoped for is not. Your belief that the person will change is gone and a huge void, that hope used to fill, remains.

The grieving process is painful, but it is an integral part of your healing. It is important that you let yourself experience all the feelings that come up-cry when you need to cry, allow whatever anger you feel to rise to the surface. Anger is a necessary part of the healing process. It is the vessel through which your wounded-self regains its voice.

Be gentle and accepting of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even if they seem illogical. Take care of your physical needs-eat healthily, drink lots of water, exercise, rest when you are tired, get plenty of sleep. Surround yourself with love and support.

It may seem as if the suffering will never end, but it will. Do not set a time limit for your grief. It is different for each of us.

There are five stages to the grieving process as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 groundbreaking book, On Death and Dying. Since Kübler-Ross's grieving stages apply to death and dying, not abuse recovery, I have modified the explanations. The stages are still perfectly relevant.

You may experience the first four of the grieving stages in any order and may go through each of them more than once. Acceptance always comes last.

1. Denial:
   1. You find excuses and reasons to hold on to the relationship.
   1. You want to believe, against all logic or rationale that things can change.
   1. You do not want to believe that the relationship is actually over.
   1. You refuse to accept the reality of what happened to you.
   1. The bad things that happened don't seem so bad and the good things seem much better than they actually were.
   1. You isolate yourself from others.


2. 
   Anger: 
   
   1. You are angry at yourself for putting up with the abuse.
   1. You are angry at your abuser for ruining your life.
   1. You are angry at other people for letting you down.
   1. You are angry at God or the Universe for punishing you.
   1. You hate your abuser for everything he has done to you and fantasize about ways to get back at him.
   1. You hate yourself for being so angry and blame your abuser for making you feel that way.


3. 
   Bargaining: 
   
   1. You feel desperate about losing the relationship.
   1. You suffer from anxiety over the loss.
   1. You are willing to change your ways or give your abuser another chance to change his.
   1. You are willing to forgive and forget what happened and start with a clean slate.
   1. You are willing to renegotiate the boundaries you set.
   1. You ask him to agree to counseling or offer to go yourself.


4. 
   Depression: 
   
   1. You are overcome by feelings of profound sadness.
   1. You feel hopeless and helpless.
   1. You are unable to snap out of it.
   1. You cry often and are inconsolable.
   1. You are unmotivated and lethargic.
   1. You have disturbed eating patterns.
   1. You have disturbed sleeping patterns.
   1. You self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.
   1. You withdraw into yourself.


5. 
   Acceptance: Always the final stage 
   
   1. You come to terms with the loss.
   1. You feel peaceful.
   1. You are able to let the relationship go.
   1. You accept the limitations of your abuser.
   1. You accept the choices you made.
   1. You let your resentments go.
   1. You are ready to move on.

The Yugoslav writer Meša Selimovi? summed up grieving the loss of a relationship beautifully in this quote:

"Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

This is copyrighted material. May only be shared with permission and proper attribution.

Randi Fine is a narcissistic expert and coach to clients worldwide. She is the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor's Guide to Healing, the most comprehensive, most well researched, and most up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated syndrome. Ms. Fine is also the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissism.

Article Source: https://EzineArticles.com/expert/Randi_G_Fine/2174

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